Sometimes I feel completely alone. I mean, not just single, or living by myself, or have no one to talk to - type of alone...but A-L-O-N-E. Like no one else on earth thinks or feels what I feel/think. That I'm in my own little bubble, or might as well be on my own island or country. Johannaland. And no one cares or gives a shit to want to know me. I mean, me...the real me. It seems no one wants to stick around long enough or take the time to find out who I really am. They all have their own agenda. Maybe this is why, over the years, I've built up walls to protect myself. And now, catch 22, it's probably even harder to find out about me. Ok, so I considered this issue. So I decided to let myself be an open book...but only if asked. Well...nothing. No one asked. So do they care? I'm sure they do. I know they do. I just don't feel it or see it. And that's the only way I'll be able to know for sure....Someone who is persistant. Pushes. Tries to find out what's between the lines. I know I do this with others. I find people intriguing. I want to figure everyone out. Then I'll know how to approach them...based on who they really are. I'm no expert, but at least I TRY. But I feel I get nothing back sometimes. And ok, maybe I'm complaining. But I just truly feel this way sometimes. I feel alone in a big crowd. Like I don't fit in. With anyone. How can I not fit in with ANYONE?? This has been happening to me for years now. How can this be? I'm a people person. I like others. I can relate, or try to relate, with others. I always felt like I could fit in anywhere. Well, I've tried all different crowds...different nationalities, interests, religions, lifestyles. And yet, none have completely fulfilled me. And so I stay alone. Even in romantic relationships. Maybe I just haven't found the "right one". I mean, I give, and work hard to know the person I'm with. I don't want just some guy to be around me. I want to know everything about him. And yet, they don't do the same back. Maybe they do. Maybe that's just men, and I need to accept that. Who the hell knows. But I do know I see couples all the time who truly know the ins and outs of the other person. But not in my world....
So I stay alone. And I'm learning to accept me and like me. And I'm getting used to being with just me. I'm kinda cool, I think. But it does make me sad that I feel this alone at times....
Maybe I just think too much....
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
The Making of Saricorn - 1
continuation from The Making of Saricorn Intro
Saricorn - where I came from and who I'm becoming.
Ok - so in order to explain everything, I need to go back to the beginning....And forgive me during this whole process when I can't remember everything. My memory is great at numbers and feelings, but not so hot in past details...But I will do my best!! There is lots to tell....so here's the very beginning...
I was raised in Saratoga Springs, NY. I began playing the violin in 1st grade, thru the wonderful Suzuki method. I remember practicing almost everyday - even if only for 30 minutes. My father was the band director at our high school (and ended up as head of the Saratoga Springs School District Music Department), while my mother played guitar her whole life. My sister took up piano the same year I started the violin. My musical background grew into many other experiences. In 7th grade, I auditioned for, and made it into the Empire State Repertory Orchestra - 1st violin section. When I was accepted in to the orchestra, I remember having the make the decision - rehearsals were on Tuesday. I had gymnastics on Tuesday and Thursday. So, if I decided to be in the orchestra, I would have to give up gymnastics. I wish I could have done both. But this orchestra was a great opportunity! So, music it was. 8th grade, I auditioned again and made it into the "big leagues" - the Empire State Youth Orchestra. Here, I was in the 2nd violin section. (this year I had the opportunity to go on tour with the orchestra to Austria and Hungary). I played in the orchestra 2 years. I also competed every year in solo competitions, and usually did very well (I still have some of the medals I won!). My high school years brought about playing bassoon in the band, violin in the chamber orchestra, and making it into the Choraliers - a select chorus. As a senior, I was voted "Most Musical" in our class. During that same year of high school, I decided to only sing in the chorus and play bassoon in the band. I was burnt out from the violin. I felt like I had plateaued, and no matter how much I practiced, I wouldn't get any better. I remember hearing that my violin teacher cried when he found out I stopped playing. I guess I just needed a break. Though I loved playing it at concerts, I was done practicing. But during my first year of college at Ithaca College, I missed the violin, and so played in the orchestra - but just that year.
So, needless to say, music was a major part of my childhood...and something I always felt extremely talented at. Of all the things I've tried thus far in my life, music is the only thing I feel I've truly succeeded at....
Saricorn - where I came from and who I'm becoming.
Ok - so in order to explain everything, I need to go back to the beginning....And forgive me during this whole process when I can't remember everything. My memory is great at numbers and feelings, but not so hot in past details...But I will do my best!! There is lots to tell....so here's the very beginning...
I was raised in Saratoga Springs, NY. I began playing the violin in 1st grade, thru the wonderful Suzuki method. I remember practicing almost everyday - even if only for 30 minutes. My father was the band director at our high school (and ended up as head of the Saratoga Springs School District Music Department), while my mother played guitar her whole life. My sister took up piano the same year I started the violin. My musical background grew into many other experiences. In 7th grade, I auditioned for, and made it into the Empire State Repertory Orchestra - 1st violin section. When I was accepted in to the orchestra, I remember having the make the decision - rehearsals were on Tuesday. I had gymnastics on Tuesday and Thursday. So, if I decided to be in the orchestra, I would have to give up gymnastics. I wish I could have done both. But this orchestra was a great opportunity! So, music it was. 8th grade, I auditioned again and made it into the "big leagues" - the Empire State Youth Orchestra. Here, I was in the 2nd violin section. (this year I had the opportunity to go on tour with the orchestra to Austria and Hungary). I played in the orchestra 2 years. I also competed every year in solo competitions, and usually did very well (I still have some of the medals I won!). My high school years brought about playing bassoon in the band, violin in the chamber orchestra, and making it into the Choraliers - a select chorus. As a senior, I was voted "Most Musical" in our class. During that same year of high school, I decided to only sing in the chorus and play bassoon in the band. I was burnt out from the violin. I felt like I had plateaued, and no matter how much I practiced, I wouldn't get any better. I remember hearing that my violin teacher cried when he found out I stopped playing. I guess I just needed a break. Though I loved playing it at concerts, I was done practicing. But during my first year of college at Ithaca College, I missed the violin, and so played in the orchestra - but just that year.
So, needless to say, music was a major part of my childhood...and something I always felt extremely talented at. Of all the things I've tried thus far in my life, music is the only thing I feel I've truly succeeded at....
Sunday, January 9, 2011
More advice from mom....Finding Inner Peace
*This is an email my mother received, and thought she'd pass it along....*
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, a box of chocolates, and the last bit of the tequila.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, a box of chocolates, and the last bit of the tequila.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
The Making of Saricorn Intro
My life has been a struggle between what I really want to do (jump up and scream and be heard and do something wild and crazy), what I probably should do, what I feel others want me to do, and what I want to do for everyone else. Now, let me first say, I have a wonderful life. I know there are so many out there who don't have as much as I have, and I am fully aware of my blessings, and am truly thankful for all of them. I have a great family, friends, experiences, etc....but I think that we all have struggles and demons we deal with throughout our entire lives. This is just my story....
So, you ask, what is "Saricorn"? Well, I was born and raised in Saratoga Springs, NY and I'm a Capricorn. They say we all grow into our astrological sign...and I'm believing this to be true.
My next album is titled this, for the reason that I am learning and growing along the way, and am becoming who I am supposed to be. Saricorn is about where I came from and who I am becoming.
These posts will be about my discovery of who Johanna really is. And the way I am learning all of these things is through my musical journey. So, this is the intro to the beginning of many posts - all about this journey in Nashville. And maybe it can also help someone out who is wanting to get into the music business. Not that I know everything, but this is all about what I have learned along the way....
Making Saricorn...
So, you ask, what is "Saricorn"? Well, I was born and raised in Saratoga Springs, NY and I'm a Capricorn. They say we all grow into our astrological sign...and I'm believing this to be true.
My next album is titled this, for the reason that I am learning and growing along the way, and am becoming who I am supposed to be. Saricorn is about where I came from and who I am becoming.
These posts will be about my discovery of who Johanna really is. And the way I am learning all of these things is through my musical journey. So, this is the intro to the beginning of many posts - all about this journey in Nashville. And maybe it can also help someone out who is wanting to get into the music business. Not that I know everything, but this is all about what I have learned along the way....
Making Saricorn...
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Technology vs. Sanity
So...a couple of weeks ago, I decide to take a break from the modern technology we all have seemed to become accustomed to - cell phone (texting, and EVERYTHING else you can do on it) and the internet.
Why??
Well, I found myself having almost panic/anxiety attacks from feeling the need to constantly check my email for that important message, or check (or spy, as we have become used to) on the status of all my facebook and twitter friends, or not remembering my best friend's phone number and so I have to look it up every time I text or call her, or getting frustrated if my gps on my phone is running slow (like I can't call the business and ask for directions), and every other thing related to the use of the internet and cell phone. It was driving me insane!!!!
Now, yes, I admit, it has made our lives simpler at times. And communication has become easier - keeping in touch with family and friends, conducting business, contacting important people, increasing our opportunities, shopping, learning, being ahead of the game, checking the weather, getting from point A to point B in the quickest time possible, and more and more and more.
BUT....when I found myself relying on it for the sake of me getting thru my days, I had enough!
So, I started on a Friday...and was going to turn everything off until Monday morning. hahahaha - yeah right, you say...
Ok, so as soon as I decided to do this, I realized that my only phone was my cell phone. Ok, so I'll keep it on, in case of an emergency call from a family member or friend. And if it was an emergency, they would leave a message. Ok...good. Problem solved. No worries!
I went to work, and kept my phone in my purse. I'll just check for the emergency phone call (just in case) at the end of the work day. That lasted about 2 hours. What if I missed the call? Ok...so I'll keep it out in view, so I can check for the call. No problem. I still won't actually use it.
But then it happened. I got a text from a client. Great. She wanted to schedule an appointment. This is how she communicates. Ok....so I'll only text for business purposes. And this happened 2 more times that day. But I still felt good about letting everything else go....
I mean, is it necessary that I see the status updates of everyone, or have to use the gps to get somewhere? No...I'll use a landline to call the business and ask for directions. I can do that. Like I used to. Before cell phones. Before gps. I'll shop at the STORE and not online. I'll find out any news-worthy info on the NEWS on TV! This is easy! lol
Long story short...I made it through the weekend...did some reading, relaxing and cleaning. I actually was a peace for a few days!!!
And when Monday morning came around, and I checked my email and everything else we feel the need to check, I realized I didn't miss anything that couldn't wait a few days.
See, we live in a society that now expects everything - info, responses, etc., YESTERDAY. Remember the time when we would just wait till we got home to check our answering machine? And then call people back? Oh, and don't get me started!!! CALLING and TALKING on the phone??? Or when you're out to dinner with friends, you actually talk to each other, instead of each person at the table in their own cyber world on their phone. (Why did you all meet up to hang out in the first place then???) Yes, kids, it once happened. We didn't email...which has now turned to texting...to communicate. We talk to each other. We can HEAR someone's inflections in their voice to let us know (or if in person, SEE) if they're happy, sad, angry, bored, tired, and every other emotion. Not EMOTICON! Or !! LOL ?? :) ;) :p ugggghhhhhhh.....*sigh* (yes, I just went there)
So, although I'm glad to have all of these modern conveniences, I still like the old days of taking my time to really BE in the conversation, or email when I can TRULY respond, or go shopping because I just happen to drive by and SEE the store, not because JUDY GPS told me to go there.....
So...happy texting, emailing, and surfing (and blogging) everyone!!! Just don't forget the human race.... :)
Why??
Well, I found myself having almost panic/anxiety attacks from feeling the need to constantly check my email for that important message, or check (or spy, as we have become used to) on the status of all my facebook and twitter friends, or not remembering my best friend's phone number and so I have to look it up every time I text or call her, or getting frustrated if my gps on my phone is running slow (like I can't call the business and ask for directions), and every other thing related to the use of the internet and cell phone. It was driving me insane!!!!
Now, yes, I admit, it has made our lives simpler at times. And communication has become easier - keeping in touch with family and friends, conducting business, contacting important people, increasing our opportunities, shopping, learning, being ahead of the game, checking the weather, getting from point A to point B in the quickest time possible, and more and more and more.
BUT....when I found myself relying on it for the sake of me getting thru my days, I had enough!
So, I started on a Friday...and was going to turn everything off until Monday morning. hahahaha - yeah right, you say...
Ok, so as soon as I decided to do this, I realized that my only phone was my cell phone. Ok, so I'll keep it on, in case of an emergency call from a family member or friend. And if it was an emergency, they would leave a message. Ok...good. Problem solved. No worries!
I went to work, and kept my phone in my purse. I'll just check for the emergency phone call (just in case) at the end of the work day. That lasted about 2 hours. What if I missed the call? Ok...so I'll keep it out in view, so I can check for the call. No problem. I still won't actually use it.
But then it happened. I got a text from a client. Great. She wanted to schedule an appointment. This is how she communicates. Ok....so I'll only text for business purposes. And this happened 2 more times that day. But I still felt good about letting everything else go....
I mean, is it necessary that I see the status updates of everyone, or have to use the gps to get somewhere? No...I'll use a landline to call the business and ask for directions. I can do that. Like I used to. Before cell phones. Before gps. I'll shop at the STORE and not online. I'll find out any news-worthy info on the NEWS on TV! This is easy! lol
Long story short...I made it through the weekend...did some reading, relaxing and cleaning. I actually was a peace for a few days!!!
And when Monday morning came around, and I checked my email and everything else we feel the need to check, I realized I didn't miss anything that couldn't wait a few days.
See, we live in a society that now expects everything - info, responses, etc., YESTERDAY. Remember the time when we would just wait till we got home to check our answering machine? And then call people back? Oh, and don't get me started!!! CALLING and TALKING on the phone??? Or when you're out to dinner with friends, you actually talk to each other, instead of each person at the table in their own cyber world on their phone. (Why did you all meet up to hang out in the first place then???) Yes, kids, it once happened. We didn't email...which has now turned to texting...to communicate. We talk to each other. We can HEAR someone's inflections in their voice to let us know (or if in person, SEE) if they're happy, sad, angry, bored, tired, and every other emotion. Not EMOTICON! Or !! LOL ?? :) ;) :p ugggghhhhhhh.....*sigh* (yes, I just went there)
So, although I'm glad to have all of these modern conveniences, I still like the old days of taking my time to really BE in the conversation, or email when I can TRULY respond, or go shopping because I just happen to drive by and SEE the store, not because JUDY GPS told me to go there.....
So...happy texting, emailing, and surfing (and blogging) everyone!!! Just don't forget the human race.... :)
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Season 2, Episode 8...Venice The Series!
ok...so I'm a geek and took a pic of the computer screen during the scene where my tune "Do It Again" was playing....so here ya go:
Monday, November 22, 2010
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