On the eve of the 10th Anniversary (I hate this word for this particular day) of 9/11, here are some of my thoughts...
First and foremost, I can't help but think of all those who have died and whose lives have been changed because of this horrific attack. For those who used their skills and talents and hearts to help save, rebuild, and reach out to all affected, they are heroes, in my eyes. It saddens me that this happened...that we need to even worry about terrorists, madmen, and others who are out to hurt another human being. I still don't understand - and I don't think I ever will.
In my world, this day has come at a time when, (unfortunately, it took this) to make me think more about my own life...and those around me I love.
I have a really bad memory (thanks Mom! lol). But I still remember that day 10 years ago like it was yesterday. I was working at Belmont University at the time, as an Athletic Trainer. I was on my way in to work, with the radio on, as usual...just fighting traffic and trying to get down as much coffee as possible before my crazy day of rehabbing injured athletes, administrative duties, overseeing games and practices, all the while, keeping every athlete and coach happy. I heard that one of the towers got hit. I thought it was just a mistake, or something just went wrong. No plane would purposely fly in to a building! I hurried to get to my trailer-training room I was working out of, to turn on the TV. As soon as I did, it showed the other tower being hit. I couldn't believe my eyes. There is NO way this just happened. There's some mistake. So I kept watching....and then the Pentagon, and then the plane in Pennsylvania. Oh my gosh. We have been attacked. The United States of America. The most powerful country in the world. People started coming into the training room for work, and usual rehab time. They hadn't heard yet. I said, "Look....the TV." We all just stood around, watching, dumbfounded. How could I work right now?? These ankle, knee, shoulder injuries were just not important. There is something bigger now going on.
I immediately started thinking of all my friends and family who live or work in NYC. I got on the phone. I couldn't get a hold of anyone till later that day, and luckily they were all ok. But one good friend was working, at the time, right across the street from the towers. Oh gosh. Scary! I emailed my parents. They were actually over in Australia, visiting my sister (who was there for work), and told them they may have a hard time flying back in to the US. (My mom thought it was a joke at first when she read my email.) As the day went on, meetings were canceled, and I got a phone call from my boss at Vanderbilt Medical Center (who was my actual employer, I was just contracted out to Belmont) that said we are all on alert. Vanderbilt Hospital is on alert....in case it is needed for more disasters. What does that mean???? Is Nashville on the radar to be hit next?? Are more cities on the radar to be hit??? What is going on??? How can this happen???
And so we eventually all went on with our lives, jobs, etc....and now it's 10 years later.
And now here I am. Affected again by watching the videos, pictures, voices of that day this morning on the news. Tears build up, and I feel so much for those who lost loved ones. It's just not right.
And then I think of me and my life (I know, pretty self-absorbed, huh - at least I feel that way). But how can you not think of your own world. I am so lucky to not have lost anyone I know from this disaster. But now what?? What do I do now?? What am I doing with my life?? How can I learn from this??
I have recently been going thru a year-long break-up (haha...that's how I like to describe it!). I've always heard stories of people going thru a break-up, and end up moving, changing jobs, changing their lives, completely. I thought - what the heck - how can you let one little incident - a stupid break-up of a relationship - change your life THAT much??? Well, now I understand. It had been the longest relationship I have had in about 16 years. So, yes, I understand.
And now, because of this "anniversary" of 9/11, it has caused me to, even more, re-evaluate everything. My job, my music, my heart, where I live, where I want to live, what I want out of life.
My mom sent me an article about how single people shouldn't wait around for a partner to enjoy life. To not put off things, just because you're "alone." Well, it's time I stop putting my life off, and begin doing things I have ALWAYS wanted to do. I'm thinking of my new home (I have a few ideas!), I'm changing my music goals...all for the better, and will begin to learn more in my massage therapy field. Here are a few more things I've begun to add to the list: hiking - I mean, REAL hiking- like Appalachian trail-hiking, (I guess that would be backpacking) camping, get scuba-diving certified, rock climbing, taking my dog to the beach (already planned for November!), traveling to Europe (already planned for the summer!), pole dancing classes (don't judge! I hear it's a real workout! lol), cooking classes, getting involved with Habitat For Humanity and other volunteer organizations, MORE photography - getting a camera, etc.....and this is just the beginning.
I have waited too long to do these things. And even when I did have a relationship, somehow, we skipped out on doing these things. So, that just proves, that waiting around for someone, doesn't necessarily mean that you'll be able to check things off your "list". And so maybe I'll find someone who I think is awesome, who thinks I'm just as awesome, and that would be awesome! And if they want to join me in my life, that would be great! But I have things to do....with or without someone!
I have learned to love...unconditionally. I may be angry at the person who hurt me, but at the end of the day, I can't help but still love him. I want to love and care for my friends and family more. And not for me...but for them. People just want to be loved...and they want to know they're loved. And that's what love is. It's not about you. It's not about having someone in your life for your own pleasure. It's for THEIR pleasure- to make THEIR day better. I love myself enough. I need to continue to spread it to others.
I know there is a plan for me. And, apparently, it's not my "time" yet to leave this earth. So, there is something I still need to accomplish. Who knows what that is, but I'll let you know when I find out!!
I wish it hadn't taken this day of 9/11 to make me think more about life...but maybe it's a good thing. We're not here for very long, and who knows when our last day will be, and so I've decided to make the most of each hour, minute, and second of every day. Whatever I end up doing, wherever I end up moving. I can't wait! Time for the next chapter of this life I'm still learning about everyday....
To those who were affected on 9/11....we all think of you, and honor you.
Here's to living!!
~Johanna
So....how has 9/11 changed your life???
