Sometimes I feel completely alone. I mean, not just single, or living by myself, or have no one to talk to - type of alone...but A-L-O-N-E. Like no one else on earth thinks or feels what I feel/think. That I'm in my own little bubble, or might as well be on my own island or country. Johannaland. And no one cares or gives a shit to want to know me. I mean, me...the real me. It seems no one wants to stick around long enough or take the time to find out who I really am. They all have their own agenda. Maybe this is why, over the years, I've built up walls to protect myself. And now, catch 22, it's probably even harder to find out about me. Ok, so I considered this issue. So I decided to let myself be an open book...but only if asked. Well...nothing. No one asked. So do they care? I'm sure they do. I know they do. I just don't feel it or see it. And that's the only way I'll be able to know for sure....Someone who is persistant. Pushes. Tries to find out what's between the lines. I know I do this with others. I find people intriguing. I want to figure everyone out. Then I'll know how to approach them...based on who they really are. I'm no expert, but at least I TRY. But I feel I get nothing back sometimes. And ok, maybe I'm complaining. But I just truly feel this way sometimes. I feel alone in a big crowd. Like I don't fit in. With anyone. How can I not fit in with ANYONE?? This has been happening to me for years now. How can this be? I'm a people person. I like others. I can relate, or try to relate, with others. I always felt like I could fit in anywhere. Well, I've tried all different crowds...different nationalities, interests, religions, lifestyles. And yet, none have completely fulfilled me. And so I stay alone. Even in romantic relationships. Maybe I just haven't found the "right one". I mean, I give, and work hard to know the person I'm with. I don't want just some guy to be around me. I want to know everything about him. And yet, they don't do the same back. Maybe they do. Maybe that's just men, and I need to accept that. Who the hell knows. But I do know I see couples all the time who truly know the ins and outs of the other person. But not in my world....
So I stay alone. And I'm learning to accept me and like me. And I'm getting used to being with just me. I'm kinda cool, I think. But it does make me sad that I feel this alone at times....
Maybe I just think too much....
